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denise6
Seven months and counting....
In a strange way, I am sort of proud.

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denise6
We all start everyday and promise ourselves we're going to be better. The problem is in the execution.

Stuff to think about.

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denise6
I have so many thoughts. Good ones. Poetic. Sometimes my own insight terrifies me.
Tomorrow I will make the call that will hopefully help me cope better.

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denise6
You have ruined me for anybody else.

Finding out that way was like a fucking kick to the stomach.

I never should have gone there.

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denise6
 I feel as though alot of things are slipping away from me. 
Not the least of which is my sanity.

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denise6
My bus doesn't come by until about 30 minutes after my shift. So quite often I will hang out inside watching Mr Stroumboulopoulos on The Hour and avoiding awkward conversation with the janitor. More often than not, he will speak to me and this evening was no exception. He told me that I didn't look like I belonged. Which at first was flattering that the trashiness of both Sackville and the call centre has not rubbed off on me, but then I became a little perplexed. Where do I belong? I'm not really stressed out about it, but really. Where the fuck do I belong? I didn't belong in Amos. For so many reasons but mainly that I didn't feel as though I belonged. I was willing to keep trying, though. I don't know if I really fit in in Fredericton, either. A coworker of mine who lived in London told me that I would fit in there - there were hundreds of people exactly like me. Which I am not sure is a compliment. I'm just kind of drifting. I wouldn't have it any other way, though.

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denise6
 Jesus, I can't believe I was doing this on a nightly basis. 
I am a fucking trainwreck. Waiting to happen. 
A mess.

(no subject)
denise6
 Okay, so I have clearly failed in my attempt to record things that make me smile. There are two reasons for this I think: I don't really do much to observe things that make me smile, and the things that do are usually memories. Also, I have just been having the hardest time smiling lately. This whole breaking up thing has been really really hard on me. So hard. Even though I know that it was probably the right decision, I can't help but wonder if maybe we could have worked on things. Worked to make it work. At all. But instead we never talked about things and rushed and were immature. And I am left with the feeling that he just didn't care about me much at all because he is just fine and moving on and I am miserable. 

So yeah, not alot in my days to make me smile lately. 

I am starting my planning for Europe. I need to get the fuck out of here.

Overhaul
denise6
So I have been thinking alot lately.
Alot.
Around the time that life dealt me another huge surprise, I was in Kuujjuaq traveling with a new parole officer named Yannick. This was the second or third time we worked together, and she was so nice. She had this tattoo behind her ear of a sparrow and another one on her ring finger from her failed marriage. She stopped drinking altogether because she found she was smoking alot. She invited me to a BBQ with some of the other people she had met there, but our flight from George River came in too late. I told her not to worry, I would go again in the Fall.

I really should never count on things.

Anyway, she told me that she wrote five things down on her calendar everyday that made her smile. She told me one day that my laugh had been one of them. I thought to myself that I should start doing the same thing. I did for two days before my life came to another abrupt halt. But that was six months ago, and while I am in a dark place still, I think I am going to start recording things daily that make me happy. But I am only going to strive for three. I think five may be a little too ambitious right now and I really don't want to set myself up for failure. Since I never write in this anymore, I am going to use it for this purpose. When I am in the habit of doing that semi-daily then maybe I will start pen-to-paper journal writing again. I wish I had written more during the past few years.

Woulda, coulda, shoulda.

So, now:

Three things that made me smile today
- Seeing Tara in the mall
- A book at Venus Envy celebrating the beauty of vaginas
- ????

(no subject)
denise6
I'm not really sure about anything, anymore.
I am overwhelmed that a whole twelve months have passed with no feeling of time at all.
But alot has happened. Boy has it.

And there is alot more to come.

?

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